A Little Story

I have thought about changes long before then, but I have to go through many trials and tribulations to finally fall back to my roots and surrender and follow what my heart wanted a long time ago. And I like what I am now even though it’s not 100% perfect. I mend slowly what’s broken and try to become a better person each and every second of my life.

We are all just humans and we make mistakes in life, we cannot escape from them.

I have plenty of flaws. And I am aware of them. I’ve dealt with them, my demons. And the moment when someone close to me finally met them, they walked away. I’m not the best at handling situations where I cannot control, my emotions just shut down. It’s too early to say how I am at peace with myself yet.

But I’m jotting this down as a reminder for myself, at the brink of emotional exhaustion I’ve been lifted up and there’s no point of going back to where or what I was.

Now is the time for me to move forward and forgive myself, forgive others and seek forgiveness from others whom I hurt along the way.

The cup is half empty and I’m lacking so many things spiritually, I am slowly filling it up with more reasons to stay Istiqamah. What I’m trying to say is it’s not by how I look now, but the way I felt within. I have always been the one bottled up inside, I never dwell and when I do I tend to feel irritated by opinions and suggestions because I hate being corrected when that is exactly what I think on the inside but never say it out loud. It’s me in denial by the answers that I already know but hearing it out loud just made it worse. I am fixing the way I react to things, that is the state of mind that I wanted to stay in. Be kind, respectful and open to suggestions and opinions. I don’t have to react to it if I don’t like it right? It's basic common sense. All of this is because I’m being egoistic.

Lockdowns are the worst but this time around it’s not half bad. I am slowly picking up. I've had several breakdowns from time to time and I’m trying to let go and let what is meant to be find its course. I’m in desperate need of answers but I believe that time will tell when you least expected it. Now it’s for me to learn to love and appreciate myself, pronto.

I undervalued myself, I was weak. I constantly seek validation from others just because I am not confident and underestimated myself.

I believe the universe will tell when is the perfect time, currently I am where I’m supposed to be and I have to live in it. Day by day, one step at the time.